"madness"

Last week i had an eye openning experience. ....I was frustrated about myself. for being good. Then I came to ask myself and god " since when does goodness became a weakness" People see my goodness as being weak. That other people usurp this opportunity for their own good......I lay frustrate of what happened. This is MADNESS...i say to myself.... asking the divine to clear my thoughts and allow his will to teach me....... Then as I traverse into my own time of reflection this dawned unto me....What I am goin though right now can be depicted through the symbol of the element water. It is ordinary..... the weakest and softest earth element....nothing especial unto it..... Yet look closely..... it is through water whereby great canyons were carved......it cause a permanent change to the surface....water does not seek being on high places.. it is its nature to seek being in low places where through time slowly but surely causing permanent change to the landscape.......Then I ask the divine to grant me this virtue...... its considered MADNESS in this part of the world where " survival of the fittest" reign. Well like water i rather seek the low places away from the limelight..... yet surely creating a permanent change in the landscape I am into right now.... Through our weakness we will realize that we are strong......I do not boast of what I can do for I know I am weak.. yet through the help of the divine .. I will endure and indeed being weak shows that in virtue you are strong......

Missing Frances

the previous weeks we have a visitor.. though I know her since we have been together for at least a month when I first arrived here in the US. She is a chinese lady , a nurse too who ventured her luck here in the US.. She is an ER nurse a seasoned One I say.... She was assigend in a big Hospital in Inglewood, LA but for the reason that " she cant communicate well in english" she was refused to be accepted..... So she came here in our place in costa mesa for her to be a volunter in our hospital... Volunter because she is not being paid.. all she has to do is to practice her english for about 3 weeks.... I mean I came to think that "volunter" as in without pay is also practiced here in the states... well i guess its an isolated case... our agency's practice only..... Or if she will not do it she will face deportation.What an insolent threat! anyways at first my household berks were a little bit apprehensive if we are to accept her or not... she will be an added expenditure to our strained budget.... yet we accepted her anyways with an open heart,.During the 3 weeks stay I realized how strong this lady is.... Strong in the sense that she have the faith! even if the circumstances were against her so to speak.... She work 12 hours a day for 5 days without pay and slept less than 5 hours for she stayed in our living room.... not a very private place to rest....I spend time talking and correcting her english... she manage to learn from it all. Finally she was interviewed in Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital... A huge hospital with 3 complex building.. She was finally accepted. when she left us , i cried for she has been like a sister to me.Forgive my teary eyes.Thats because I developed a bond with her .I corrected her and She in turn gave her advise without a thought whether I like it or not, though in a gentle way in matters were she has more experience... MAtters about life.... sure i miss her but I am happy and hopeful that she will have a great start in that hospital... I might even follow her there for my partime job, who knows?.. I m proud also of my housemates for they have showed total concern and hospitality to our guest. She is Chinese. She did not pay us for her rent, utilities and we even treated her when we dine out..... Even if were here in the US im happy that we are filipinos not by words but by our deeds.......Good luck frances

"Ligid as in Tired"

.... Just came home from my 12 hour hospital work.... Been the charge nurse last night....Not so busy but being in charge means you have to be very vigilant in every thing... the previous night was very busy, one of our detox patient went AWOL and we have to call the Police for he is loaded with librium, ativan and restoril.... and at the end of the shift I have to make an incidental report..... It was realy tiring ........ hopefully all things will be well and i am being positive of it.. all this happens because I am still on the process of learning the Trade of this business..... hopefully I will.... But for now I am just a flat tire as in Ligid......... Need to rest and have myself pump with air!

friends

I miss my friends......those people who were there for me during my lighter days and stayed with me during my darkest......I miss them for I know that I can rely on them .....One night I found myself missing all of them.....I called them and when i heared their voice I cant help but cry .... Like a child telling his best buddy that he is being bullied..... of course they tried to cheer me up... they said positive things of me being away from them....My sanity came back and this made me realized that they will be forever with me.. no matter how far I am.... change is the only permanent thing in this world as they say.. but the moments with my friends will be forever... They leave an indelible mark on my life.... Thank you!

" Crying Baby"

...... As i was lying in my bed on one cold night, memories of you came down rushing back.......The sweetest of your voice, the protetion of your embrace, your presence that assures that I am accepted as I am...... All of this I miss.... The coffe you make every morning.. the loving tender reminder you gave me when I am not on my own senses....knowing that I can be as I am when I am with you...... The time we spend together during meal time .....sundays we cherish...usual days that was made special because I spend it with you.........sobbing .....in fetal position.....I see the drizzle of the rain in my window pane.....the cold air reminds me of you.... Where have you been ? .....will you be gone forever? ..... I only wish and pray not... I miss you.....

In charge!

FOr a couple of weeks now I have been put in charge of my unit. The medical surgical ward where most of our patients are alcohol / opiate detox and psychciatric patients with medical problems....Its a new thing for me being the new boy in the unit makes eyebrow raise for some people....In the first place its not me who wanted the job... its them who offered it. I dont want to take the "position" for I know it takes allot of responsibilities and whole lot of pressure. Yet deep inside theres a force and urge telling me just to let it happen..... Of course there is allot of "IFs and bUts" .....fear and hessitation......Yet as I close my eyes i feel calmness and peace..... Every night of my duty was never easy.... I make mistakes and sometimes i wanted to quit .... Yet I learned form those mistakes... there is always a first time to everything I say.....I commited mistakes but never twice the same..... I always learn each night of my duty as IN charge!.....Everything has a purpose and reason and one thing i learn from this all , is that I just have to allow the greater "force" to be in charge of my life!I will take the risk! and learn whatever that comes along the way.... meet new friends... new foes whom i believe will become my friends in the end..... taste the bitterness and sweetness of taking responsibility..... At least at the end of the day i can say i experience "the MASTERS" work... being IN CHARGE!

Resistance

the force is empty
but inexhaustible, bottomless
the ancestor of it all

within it, the sharp edges becomes smooth; the
twisted knots loosen; the sun is soften by a cloud;
the dust settles into place.

It is hidden but always present
i do not know who gave birth to it.
It seems to be the common ancestor of all, the father of things.....



Todays ideals of living is to make more money.. Plain as it is, thats the reason why people live. If i ask myself why I am working here in the states and why to many younglings take Nursing...answer is simple... it is to make money.. Definitely it is not wrong. What makes it wrong is when we loss track of the purpose of making money. We make money in order for us to share it. In that way we make a sense of living and working. " It is hidden yet always present"- the force is ever hidden in our plainsview yet there it is... It may appear to be as a new friend, a new situation, a problem that is an opportunity to grow or by the changes in the seasons.... there you will notice that the force is working. Even if we do nothing .. it has its own way of completion. Knowing this, we can feel satisfied and relax that we are in care of the great force. The bible says " do not worry about tommorow for tommorow will take care of itself"...oftentimes we do our own way..... We have to cultivate the thinking of allowing things to happen and yeilding to the changes that will happen.... "paddling against the river create resistance, going with it makes life allot smoother and easier...."

being contented

" putting a value on status will create contentiousness. if you overvalue possesions, people begin to steal. By not displaying what is desirable, you will cause the people 's heart to remain undisturbed.

the master governs by emtying minds and hearts, by weaking ambitions and strengthining bones....

Practice not doing....
when actions is pure and selfless, everyting settles into its owns perfect place"


before ill start, it has been a couple of months since my last entry... And since that time allot of things have tanspired, personal, work and family.....anyways every thing has been according to the plan of the great force. Sometimes things might not be as what i expect it to be and more than often i was frustrated of the outcome. I then come to think if there is in fact a force behind everything.....I closed my eyes .. i see darkness, the sound in my surrounding fade until i only hear my own breathing and feel my own heartbeat....theres my anwswer. without any hesitation i know that a great force is behind everything in rhythm... That I am just a speck and there is nothing i can boast about myself.. i am a speck yet a part of the never ending source...... beyond the bounderies of time and space....So I should be contented of what i have now.... For all that is... in reality is part of you... Its just that people love to put MARKS of ownership...... Knowing this reality is a struggle..I may sound crazy yets it is sane....If we all know this reality we all be contented.